Law School 101

For all those kids who just took their LSATs, I offer congratulations and a preview of what you will learn your first year of law school:

Torts: All problems in the world come from trains and train stations.
In my six weeks of law school I have read the following cases: 2 cases involving people slipping on banana peels at train stations, 2 cases involving cars that were hit by trains, a kid who severed his leg on a train station turntable, a woman who burned her head on the heating pipe of a traincar bathroom, a woman who fell down the stairs of a unlit train station hallway, and a man who was walking on a footpath by a train, fell down and had his arm severed off.

Civil Procedure: Justice Brennan will always dissent.
If there is ever a dissenting opinion in a civpro case, 9/10 it will be written by Justice Brennan. And as cool as he is, you just won't care because you already got the holding of the case and dissenting opions just add up to more pages of reading.

Contracts: Read the fine print.
More likely than not, you've probably sold your soul away to 100 different companies by clicking "agree" on those pesky terms and agreements that no one reads. Now I wonder what was in the fine print agreement when I signed up to go to law school.

Legal Writing: If you get divorced, get custody of the children. Or, just don't get married.
My fictional client, Amy Carter, will agree with this. So will the guy at the bar last night who, upon finding out that I was a law student, started asking me legal questions about his child support payments and alimony. Simply put, the person who doesn't get custody of the children literally pays for it, a lot.
Sub lesson of legal writing: If you think you know how to write (or cite), you are wrong. And on that note, I'll end today's lessons because I'm off to do my 4th and final draft of my memo.